The behaviour of people always fasinates me. I could spend hours on a bench in a busy park, looking at people, just trying to puzzle them out.
Yet, while trying to puzzle them out, I end up not realising the most important thing: I can't puzzle myself out.
Many things have happend to me this year that has been changing my life and me as for the better or the worse. I have not been beat down yet, but I feel like it now.
Looking in the mirror I can't even answer the most important question: Who are you. I just stare at the blank expression and no answer comes up.
My one friend said it's like I am having a mid-life crisis at the age of 20. Like I had been living and not actually being tapped into that and then one day I realise that I don't know who David Engelbrecht actually is.
Fine. So I have a problem. Everybody has problems. You can now either point and stare and be like: "What the fuck", but I can point back at you and say them same. You could have a sex addiction or have some lesser insecurity that makes you seek constant approval. Bulimia? Annorexia? Hmmm... So? You want to still point at me and say what the fuck.
Same thing every morning. Look into the mirror. Try to answer. Still no answer.
Mirror in my hand, throwing it to the floor, I breathe for the first time in a while.
I know the answer will come eventually. Isn't that why I am growing up? To get to the point where the question doesn't need to be asked. Knowing what the answer is without asking.
I knew I didn't want to end up like Snow White's evil stepmother who talked to a mirror just to know if she is "still the fairest of them all." I want to be me. David.
And then it hit me. That story is still being written. Here and now. I should live for the here and now. No looking back. Only forward.
No more looking into the mirror for me
